5 Exercises For When You Don't Care

“Ooh, it’s January! Time to resolve to get in shape/lose weight/improve the diet!”

Hands up if you’d like to strangle every person who said this within your hearing this month.

Exactly.

Now, odds are they’ve given up at this point (or they’re about to chuck that resolution into the “Maybe next time” pile), but your irritation is probably still running high.

So why not combat it with your own new exercise routines? Ones you’ll actually like. With easy-to-follow instructions and instant results (no lie!).

Best of all?

You won’t need any special equipment for these routines! Even that snazzy set of workout clothes you spent an entire paycheck on when you were optimistic (and five pounds lighter) can stay in the closet. All you’ll require is YOU—semiconscious and relatively functional. (Speaking with a medical professional beforehand is entirely optional. They’ll probably dissuade you from participation, but what do they know? It’s not like they’ve been right about anything else in your life)

The Spin Cycle

Toss that silly gym membership out with the trash where it belongs. Instead of joining another robot-worshipping cult dressed up with trendy models in bike shorts, get your heart rate up alone at home.

Where not one person needs to see you sweat or embarrass you by asking how many miles you finished!

Start by obtaining basic writing tools. (These don’t count as special equipment because you can use your smartphone) Find a comfortable seat, turn on a music station of choice, and silence all other distractions: text messages, emails, significant others, children, etc. (Method of silencing is up to you; get creative)

Close your eyes and inhale. Exhale.

Now, open those eyes and list every worry currently rattling around in your brain. Big, small, rational, batshit-crazy impossible—go wild! See how fast you can get them down. Watch as one feeds into the next, a veritable chain of DOOM!

Can you follow one possibility down a rabbit hole of catastrophe? Chase a perfectly reasonable concern until you’re contemplating how you’ll fend off aliens from your cryogenic sleep pod as you captain a ship containing the last brood of cats to a safe planet. Connect the dots from whether that creak in the floor is due to increased humidity or a new faultline preparing to open a chasm through your city.

Bet you feel your heart racing now, don’t you!

Fear sweat rolling down your back, palms so slick you can scarcely hold your pen/pencil/cellphone, chest squeezed so tight it’s hard to breathe—that’s how you know this routine is working! Makes you feel ALIVE!

Or, you know, as if you’re about to die. Exercise always seems to go either way.

Better-Off-Dead Lifts

If you’ve done your reading—or at least skimmed a few articles during an online search for why you can’t lose weight—you know exercise routines these days require a variety of bodily torture. You can’t subject yourself to endless days of cardio and expect to strut around with a healthy system free of wrinkles and varicose veins. Nope, not anymore, anyway. (Times were different back in the 80s when all you needed was aerobics)

A healthy lifestyle now requires regular weight training and resistance. (Besides your reluctance to move your ass off the sofa)

The last thing you need, though, is a trip to the Meat Head section of your gym, where intelligence drops in proportion with the amount of clothing worn. Or—worse—a bunch of absurd dumbbells scattered around your house, waiting to break unsuspecting toes as you blearily attempt to find a snack you hid from yourself before agreeing to “get healthy.” (Seriously, why do those things weigh so much?)

You’re better off working with the only thing that’s weighed you down your entire life: your lack of motivation!

That constant whine in the back of your head that questions your self-worth, presents you with endless worst-case scenarios, and prevents you from achieving anything is now your ticket to the easiest, most satisfying exercise routine in existence.

And it kicks off the moment you wake up (morning, afternoon, evening, 2:15 AM—the choice is yours!).

You don’t even need to open your eyes; frankly, concentration and focus are easier to achieve without the extra input of your surroundings. (Unless your current sleeping situation is depressive. If you’re in the backend of nowhere, use it!)

As soon as you gain enough coherence to form a thought, ask yourself one simple question: “Is it worth it?”

Feel those extra pounds settling into your limbs, dragging your body deeper and deeper into the bed/futon/sleeping bag? Can’t imagine how much it’d take to lift yourself upright, can you?

We’re talking the kind of strength that would allow you to benchpress a locomotive!

And since people are getting ticked off with the whole superhero thing, your best bet is not to go there. Stay in bed. Let the weight of those doubts adhere you even firmer in place. It’s safer that way. (It is possible to get too bulked up, you know)

The Fuck-Your-Salutation

What do you lose as you age? Besides money, respect, the ability to grasp new technology, and any clue as to what kids are trying to say.

Flexibility!

Once upon a time, you could not only touch your toes (probably), but you could twist yourself into a pretzel and walk around on your hands. And not a creak or a pop to be heard in the process. Not to mention no need to worry about intense pain and screaming the following morning.

Those days are long gone, though—unless you do something to keep your sinews stretchy and pliant. You could squish yourself into spandex and court heatstroke at your local yoga studio, but instructors are only interested in offering hands-on attention to people with less than 6% body fat. (And let’s get real: Do you even have enough coordination to stand up straight?)

Or you could partake in this simple stretch routine, guaranteed to leave you feeling better—without a single cramp. Odds are you won’t even hear a protest from your joints, either. (There’s no guarantee on this score; most of your tissues have petrified at this point)

For those extroverts out there, this is an exercise that encourages interaction with others!

Simply wait for the next person to bounce past you with a cheery remark on their lips. Ideally, you want to wait for something as obnoxious (and overdone) as “Good Morning,” but you can settle for anything that gets your blood pressure bubbling toward the danger zone:

• “I ran three miles this morning!”

• “Can you believe I’ve lost six pounds?”

• “You should try this diet I’m on.”

• “Are those new sweatpants?”

Sit back in your chair and settle your feet flat on the floor (because grounding is important). Take a deep breath in. As you exhale, extend your middle finger in the offender’s direction. (No need to speak; you don’t want to overdo things and risk spraining your larynx)

If you’re feeling particularly energetic, add your other hand—really get your stretch on!

You’ll probably surprise yourself to find your lips twitching to get in on the act before long (that’s 12 muscles at work there!). Don’t hold back! The more you practice, the stronger those muscles—and your subsequent flexibility—will get!

Brisk Morning Walk Out

Despite hopes throughout the couch-surfing community, the walking/running craze has failed to die. People remain enamored with pounding their skeleton into various surfaces under the guise of “fun.” And if you so much as think the words, “I should get in shape” within their hearing, they will attempt to drag you into their vicious cycle of self-abusive behavior.

Unlike the exercise routines here, they even promise a lack of equipment—then hand you lists of recommendations for special shoes, water bottles, sweatbands, fitness trackers, and vinyl stickers so no one mistakes you for an ordinary individual.

(If you really need a sticker, one can be created; don’t let the allure of bright colors and cute graphics trap you)

What they’re actually luring you into is miles (and miles and miles and miles and miles) of ISOLATION. Time spent with no one but YOU and the endless stream of cursing and protests from your body. Hours where your mind has nothing to distract itself from its unacknowledged worries, delayed projects, and many, many, many failings.

Are you looking for exercise or a new excuse to see your therapist?

If you find yourself awake at ungodly hours and unable to convince yourself to hit the bodily snooze button, there’s an alternative. One that doesn’t involve shin splints, fallen arches, or early-onset back pain.

Scope out the best walking trails in your area. (Obviously, be safe and reasonable about this. You’re trying to exercise, not get kidnapped by a lazy criminal) Find a comfortable bench or cozy spot for a blanket within easy sight of those psychopathic racehorses.

Donning your favorite outside-the-house clothes, make yourself at home in the chosen spot. An insulated cup of your preferred morning beverage is important to keep you hydrated. (Let’s be real: No one is going to check if you’re chugging water, coffee, hot chocolate, or a whiskey toddy)

Now sit back and LAUGH.

Get those abdominals in gear, giggling at the people convinced they’re doing anything besides destroying their bodies at a young age. Pause at irregular intervals to listen for the cellophane crunching of knees and the gunfire pop of ankles (and because you need to catch your breath).

No need to worry about raising eyebrows; every park has a crazy person. (But consider bringing shredded lettuce, just in case—for the ducks, not you, idiot)

Square Screaming

Stress is the number one killer—behind other more significant problems corporations and governments would prefer no one mention or discuss. Exercise, reportedly, decreases stress (studies conducted by people who’ve never experienced a day of stress in their lives). Even the smallest acts, such as standing or doing knee bends, are supposed to go a long way to dropping that cortisol and adding extra minutes to your lifespan.

Assuming, of course, the thought of exercise doesn’t stress you out.

Never fear, though! The psychological world introduced the concept of breathing to help everyone reset their fight-or-flight system and calm the fuck down—in any situation. (Fancy breathing, obviously, not the kind hard-wired into your body) With simple patterns of “breathe in” and “breathe out,” you can control the pockets of steroids, hormones, and neurotransmitters otherwise attempting to hurtle you down the path toward an early grave. (Because, of course, you’re an educated human being aware of the disaster area we’re currently living in)

Counselors and wellness instructors aplenty are ready to encourage you to picture a “happy place” as they count out various strings of numbers while you valiantly attempt to remember whether you’re inhaling or exhaling. (Sure, hold your breath and don’t get distracted as you concoct a new world where Karen’s slowly melting into a lava flow)

All so you can get more frustrated trying to visualize, count, and breathe all at the same time. And discuss how your latest breakdown relates to a childhood trauma. While wondering why you’re paying for the privilege to sit on your butt and FUCKING BREATHE!

It’s time to move on to the exercise you actually need—one designed to accomplish genuine help.

(And you don’t even need to wait for a specially-scheduled time or place!)

As soon as you feel that hiccup in your chest that signals “a brain short-circuit is imminent,” stop and clench your hands. Close your eyes. (Don’t worry—no need to visualize a stupid “happy place” with this routine. But if picturing the creative demise of your worst, or current, enemy helps, go for it!)

Inhale for four seconds—you’re going to need that air.

Then scream at the top of your lungs for four seconds. Let all of it out. (Opening your eyes is optional; sometimes it helps, especially if you need to focus on a particular person or object)

Inhale for four seconds.

Scream for another four seconds, ideally louder than before (or at least more unhinged).

Repeat until your pulse and blood pressure return to normal levels.