A Hierarchical Review of Hospital Stays

Gallbladder Hospital B

⭐

I strongly recommend that you advertise your facility as a “pain denier” establishment as a warning to all future patients. This will save your staff from having to explain why pain protocols that were previously working have been stripped away and replaced with band-aids and lollipops. (Or, as occurred more frequently, having your nurses blatantly lie that nothing has changed without first confirming whether or not their patient is capable of reading labels)

Providing a private room was appreciated (had I known a screaming fit was all that was required, I would have obliged much sooner). However, I would have liked to be warned that quiet and climate control came with the assumption of being ignored for long stretches of the day and night. I could have orchestrated an escape plan.

And as entertaining as I imagine it was to watch me constantly press the button on my patient-controlled analgesia, waiting three hours to casually mention that it locked for 15 minutes is information I would have appreciated from the beginning. (Or, better yet, maybe you could have noticed it wasn’t working)

Next time, I suggest you allow me to hold onto a sensitive part of your anatomy until I no longer feel pain. Then you can calculate my analgesia dose.

Nissen Fundoplication Hospital

⭐⭐

When I signed my consent forms, there was no warning whatsoever that additional days of hospitalization may be required. Nor was this possibility mentioned by my doctor. I strongly suspect those two extra days were added simply out of spite. (The fact I couldn’t keep food down is negligible)

Worse, the bedside manner of your staff was atrocious. I received non-stop admonishments throughout the day to rest. Yet I was constantly prompted to wake, sit up, and don an oxygen cannula throughout the night. This is the complete opposite of rest! When I offered the helpful suggestion that turning off the ECG monitor would stop the alarm that prompted these panicked reactions, I received frowns and strict orders not to touch the equipment. (Your nurses need better senses of humor)

The final indignity was forcing me to have a chaperone while I walked the hallways. The implication that I would attempt to escape from the floor (wing, hospital) was uncalled for. I only made it as far as the elevator on my first walk. And it’s not like I had access to a car.

Seroma Hospital

⭐⭐⭐

Does the word “no” mean anything to your staff? I used it repeatedly during my DAYS at your facility, and it constantly fell on deaf ears.

• No, I did not want to be hospitalized.

• No, I did not want to stay in my room.

• No, I did not want to wait for a nurse’s assistance to get out of bed.

• No, I did not want to eat that so-called “bowl of broth” delivered instead of a proper breakfast.

Every time, I was blatantly ignored. I might as well not have spoken at all. (I strongly suspect the questions were asked as part of a rehearsed script, with no actual need for me to supply an answer at all) The fact your staff wore pleasant smiles as they bypassed my protests did not smooth any of my feelings of displeasure.

Delivering frequent lectures on my disregard for hospital procedures added a fresh layer of discomfort to my stay. There was absolutely no appreciation for my assistance in alleviating the staff’s busy schedule by attending to my needs myself. And I overheard every muttered statement made by departing nurses after they found my silenced fluid pumps managed appropriately. (Not a word of thanks, mind you)

The fact that my actions may have exacerbated the state of my seroma is entirely irrelevant.

Gallbladder Hospital A

⭐⭐⭐⭐

Your staff deserves a commendation award. And I don’t mean regarding their diplomatic behavior during my hypokalemia episode. (I believe someone mentioned that only a person with superhuman patience could handle me. I think they were exaggerating—or possibly looking for sympathy) Though, naturally, that was handled with supreme grace. Especially after I threw the first cup of liquid potassium across the room.

They constantly referred to me as “the good patient” throughout my stay. (The fact that I was competing with people who ripped out their catheters and screamed for hours straight shouldn’t factor into the comparison) Not once did they demonstrate any frustration with my habit of handling my beeping pumps or trips to the bathroom alone. And they allowed me to walk through the halls unaccompanied. (Although they did mention something about my telemetry alarming if I ventured beyond the cardiac ward…)

Your nurses were even kind enough to ban the doctors that upset me from visiting. That level of devotion is unparalleled.

However, I wish they would recognize that a female appreciates a certain level of hygiene. One that is not achievable via sponge bath. I fail to see why my episode of collapse in the bathroom should have revoked my shower privileges. Please speak with them.

Hysterectomy Hospital

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

There is nothing better than staff that adhere to their promises. I was told before anesthesia that I would have a urinary catheter placed during surgery, and I would remain hospitalized until I could urinate without it. And even though I winced and cried getting up every time, your nurses let me hobble to the bathroom every hour so I could make my break within a day. They rolled their eyes and told me I was overdoing it, but they didn’t stop me. And when I demanded my discharge instructions, they delivered!

There was no nonsense permitted (despite my foolhardiness). Pain protocols were ordered and adhered to. When the resident on my case forgot to put in one set of orders (never should have agreed to let a student ride along), my nurse sat in my room on the phone and called the on-call doctor to get authorization. Listening to her bully the person on the other end of the line was almost as good as the opioid. (Almost. I mean, they had just ripped out an organ)

And when I stood up that first time, convinced all of my internal organs would fall straight out of my body, my nursing team promised to pick them up for me. THAT is compassion right there. I’m not one to revisit hospitals (not intentionally, anyway), but this was a stay worthy of a second visit.