Anxiety Inflight Announcements

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Synapse 7,386, and I’ll be your chief attendant today. On behalf of the Brain and the entire crew, welcome aboard Anxiety Flight #1320 with non-stop service from rational concern to gibbering idiot, continuing on to outright insanity.

At this time, the Brain has turned on the “Fasten Seat Belt” sign. This is recommended for your safety as we are expecting significant turbulence on the flight ahead. If you haven’t already done so, please stow all of your carry-on baggage, including excess worries, emotional eating, and excitable chattering, underneath the seat in front of you or in one of the convenient overhead bins. Oversized luggage, such as unresolved parental issues and concealed depression, will need to be checked at the gate. Then we ask that you please take your seat and fasten your seat belt, ensuring that your seat back and folding tray tables remain in their upright positions.

If you were somehow seated in an “Emergency Exit,” please raise your hand. You are in no emotional state to handle the responsibilities of that position. We will reseat you. If you fail to notify us, we will blame you for all resulting fatalities should an emergency arise. (But you were already aware of that)

We remind you that this is a non-overthinking flight. Overthinking is prohibited throughout the duration of this flight, including during naps and breaks. Attempting to sneak an extra thinking session during trips to the lavatory will result in an unanticipated flight length.

Our current flight time will be eight hours and thirty minutes. We will be engaging in 40 standard worry scenarios and 36 outlandish anxieties.

Please ensure your seat backs and tray tables are in their full upright positions and that your seat belt is correctly fastened. Also, please set any portable electronic devices to “airplane” mode. We do not require any additional input into our anxiety at this time. (If we feel the need for outside input, we’ll make an announcement)

So long as the seat belt sign is illuminated, you must keep your seat belt fastened. (We’re not kidding about the turbulence) Insert the metal fittings together and tighten the belt by pulling on the loose end of the strap. Pull harder. Harder. Can’t breathe? Then you’re all set and safe. To release your seat belt, lift the upper portion of the buckle. We will tell you when we arrive and this is safe to do so. (Do not attempt beforehand and force us to calculate a new concern)

There are twelve “Emergency Exits” from this Flight. Please take a moment to locate your nearest exit, noting that the closest exit is likely behind you. (You’re allowed five minutes of panic, no more) If we need to evacuate this flight (yes, we’ve accounted for that possibility), floor-level mood lighting will guide you toward the exits. Doors can be opened by moving the handle toward the arrow. And yes, a responsible individual is currently sitting in that seat. Each door is equipped with an inflatable slide that can be detached and used as a life raft. (Please see our attached safety card for Anxieties Associated With Sea Disasters)

Oxygen and air pressure are constantly monitored. In the event of a sudden trauma, alarms will sound throughout the cabin. You will experience shortness of breath, dizziness, changes in vision, and the sensation of the world coming to an end. With any luck, someone will ignore the urge for self-preservation and assist you with lifesaving remedies. Expect suggestions of taking deep breaths, focusing on the positive things in your life, and “grounding” (highly practical during a flight).

In the event of an emergency, grit your teeth, bury your head in your arms, bend forward, and kiss your ass goodbye. (Lift your head once to ensure you are not the only person assuming this position)

A life vest has been provided in a pouch under the seat. Or perhaps between the armrests. Please take this moment to indulge in a panic attack, remove your seat belt, and frantically search for it. Return the vest to its hiding place and fasten your seat belt. (Tighter…tighter…there you go) This vest fits over your neck and increases your alarm and certainty that you are about to perish. It also comes with a whistle so you can attract attention to yourself. Use wisely. (Look who we’re talking to)

You will find all this and other helpful safety information on a card in the seat pocket in front of you. We recommend it as light reading before take-off. It will help get you in the mood for our Flight.

If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to raise your hands in a frantic waving motion.

We wish you an enjoyable Flight.

What can I say? I was feeling inspired by current events. I am jetting off to an awesome writing retreat, and I HATE flying, so this felt like kismet. I hope you enjoyed it.

As I WILL be working hard at my workshop all week, there will not be an Invisible Inks next week. (I know, I’m sad, too) But I promise to be back in rare form the week after. Feel free to go back and read any of your favorites, and share this newsletter with your friends!