Checking Your Body's Factory Warranty

The manufacturer [God, god, Yahweh, Allah, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, the Universe, Creator of Choice, natural evolution, Petrie dish, parental genetic material, loving and doting parents, etc.] warrants this product [You] to be free of defects under normal use and conditions from the original production date for a period of eighty (80) years. Give or take a decade, two, or three. It depends on the wear and tear you choose to enact on the product, doesn’t it? Or, rather, the limitations your manufacturer decided to saddle you with in that instantaneous moment when your genes scrambled together in a primordial alphabet soup.

The manufacturer agrees to repair or refurbish the product during this warranty period without additional charges up to and including shipping, handling, packing, college education, various experimentation phases, psychological breakdowns, grandchildren (human, plant, or animal), and insurance. Guilt trips are added free of charge.

Such repairs or replacements are subject to verification of the damage or malfunction. Expect to provide concise documentation as to why your manufacturer should shell out a hundred grand for you to attend a liberal arts college and obtain an education in a field you’ll never apply to the remainder of your life.

Proof of purchase must be confirmed by showing the model number on the original sales receipt [birth certificate, adoption certificate, Post-It Note, baby picture]. The fact you duplicate their behaviors and mannerisms is not considered sufficient proof.

Body Warranties

Muscles and Skeleton

The manufacturer warrants the movement mechanisms, skeletal frame parts, and joint spring systems against manufacturing and material defects for EIGHTY years. Under typical conditions with no outside influences. So, basically, this only applies to 1 in 500 million people.

Organs

The manufacturer warrants against defective parts on the cushioning and interior materials for EIGHTY years. Amount of cushioning varies based on emotional status, environmental situation, number of accompanying bullies, and availability of chocolate.

All filling materials naturally soften with age and use. This softening does not constitute a defect under the warranty. Expect to watch your insides liquefy over time, regardless of how well you take care of yourself.

Skin

The manufacturer warrants the skin used on your body against seam failure, separation, and sheen loss for EIGHTY years. The manufacturer cannot cover wrinkling, which results from normal wear, nor fading, which can be caused by overexposure to sunlight. Note: This warranty only applies to those who sit quietly in a corner and refuse to partake in the outside world. Which your manufacturer will studiously encourage you NOT to do. It’s a method of sabotage guaranteed to encourage you to violate the terms of your warranty.

The natural beauty of skin means that no two pieces are exactly alike. As such, natural markings and grain variations are not considered defects. However, the remainder of the outside world will attempt to convince you differently.

Heart

The manufacturer does not provide a warranty for battery life. Technology advancements, such as batteries and electrical components, never have warranties. However, the store will happily offer an extended warranty for an additional $1,000 a year.

All rechargeable batteries are expected to lose charging capacity over time; this is not considered a defect. Your battery life will vary depending on the conditions in which it is used. If you do everything right, you will still find yourself fighting to breathe with pain racing down your left arm in the middle of a yoga session in your mid-40s.

Nerves

The manufacturer does not warrant that the operation of the electrical system will be uninterrupted or error-free. All software provided with the product is “as-is.” You assume the risks of such items’ quality, performance, accuracy, and effect. Constant upgrades, patches, and service calls will be necessary. For some more than others.

Should your electrical system prove defective, you, not the manufacturer, will assume the entire cost of services and repairs. Or you can elect to continue running with the defective equipment. The choice is yours. It saves on costs (in theory), but it violates the remainder of your warranty—something that no one bothers to mention ahead of time. Attempting to install patches without coordination with your manufacturer further violates the warranty.

Warranty Limitations

This warranty does not include the following:

• Any condition resulting from incorrect or inadequate maintenance or care

• Damage resulting from misuse, abuse, negligence, or accidents

• Normal wear and tear

• Damages incurred during maintenance

• Dissatisfaction due to buyer’s remorse

There it is—the culpability clause you failed to read when you first took ownership of the product!

Everything condemns your actions (or lack thereof) and heaps responsibility onto your shoulders, leaving the manufacturer free and clear.

Even if their craftsmanship WAS poor or lackluster, you chose to worsen the situation by failing basic upkeep.

And now you’re sitting here—forty years shy of that crucial warranty—with a defective product. With no recourse but to slap on some duct tape and hope for the best.