Code of Conduct for Living in a Defunct Body

This Code is a statement of the fundamental principles governing the Body’s conduct. It does not constitute a guaranteed contract or an assurance of continued function. It is not intended to and does not create any obligations to or rights in any organ, muscle, bone, nerve, blood vessel, or other tissue.

We Treat Each Other With Dignity and Respect

We are a complex Body with complex demands from one another. As such, we must value the unique backgrounds and experiences brought to our Body. We aim to foster an inclusive environment where we encourage tissues and vessels to engage in healthy dialogue with one another. We continuously seek to understand each other better and treat each other with respect and dignity in a manner consistent with the Body’s core values (i.e., survival).

The more diagnoses I obtain, the more I wonder how the random assemblages of my body came to be. Did they actually form from a single zygote? Or were they cobbled together from random spare parts in a science lab like Frankenstein’s Monster? (With less artifice and grace) Muscles and bones never speak to each other. They share no common background, no linking DNA to spark a thread of camaraderie. Instead, my body becomes a battleground for who can cause the most damage.

An epic battle of Capture the Flag. With the prize awarded to the most defunct piece.

We recognize and avoid behaviors that individual tissues and components may find offensive, understanding that what is acceptable in one region of the Body may not be permitted in another. Harassment of individual muscles or joints is strictly prohibited, whether verbal or physical.

Every new injury becomes a competition, complete with trash talk and hazing.

“Ankles think they’re the shit, twisting and spraining? Watch what we shoulders are capable of!”

Sniping and backbiting from undisciplined children. (As if inflicting any kind of punishment has the potential to yield satisfactory results) Pain is glimpsed as preferential treatment, attention. So the next body part steps forward, determined to outdo the last.

“How dare you wrench out of place on my watch? You’ll pay for that!”

Recess gone wild, with no signs of a supervisor or parental guardian in sight. (Am I supposed to fill that role?)

We Promote a Safe, Secure, and Healthy Body

We are committed to providing a safe, secure and healthy environment to the muscles, bones, blood vessels, nerves, and organs within the Body. We expect all tissues to follow measures the Body has implemented to maintain and promote this structured environment. Any activities that compromise safety, security, or health must be reported to the Brain. Everyone plays a vital role in preventing and identifying threats and situations where accidents or injuries may occur. We must report any such events immediately.

I think I’ve done all I can to provide a proper “home” for my tissues. I don’t abuse them (overly much). They receive healthy meals—prepared by someone other than me. I even drag them to the gymnasium for structured, safe, repetitive motions that professional trainers and fitness influencers alike have assured me are guaranteed to shed pounds and trim cellulite. As much as possible, I’ve created a structured environment within which the Lord of the Flies kingdom resides.

Yet there’s no appreciation for my actions.

Stomach and intestines reject the highest quality foodstuffs. Then proceed to complain that there’s nothing to digest.

Muscles scream and protest every motion, insisting I’m damaging them with every careful movement. Then they turn on me and develop adhesions or scar tissue that freezes them into horrific positions when I obey and baby them into near-immobility.

Nerves down the equivalent of a dozen cups of double espresso when I’m not looking, jittering at the slightest provocation. Any attempt to clamp down on their misbehavior results in shaking, trembling, and days of agony. Constant vigilance does nothing more than render me senseless with sleep deprivation.

There is no way to win.

Am I healthy, or am I not? My body refuses to answer the question.

We Take Substance Abuse Seriously

Substance abuse creates serious health, wellness, and safety risks. The possession, sale, or use of illegal drugs or misuse of controlled substances or alcohol within the Body is prohibited.

I spend more time than I care to admit staring into the medicine cabinet.

Should I sacrifice one of my hoarded narcotic pills to enact some level of authority over the rampaging tissues within my body? Or does doing so mark me as nothing more than one of the addicts the news rails about on slower days?

Where does the line between pain and necessity lie?

And when is it acceptable to admit that the chemicals in a small white pill are incapable of accomplishing anything with the insanity of a system run amuck? They’re small children craving a treat and being presented with a course of meatloaf. (I hate meatloaf. Even before I stopped tolerating beef, I hated meatloaf)

Open the cabinet. Stare at the rows of orange bottles. Close the cabinet. Grit my teeth. Start another fruitless discussion with muscles, nerves, and bones lacking ears to hear.

We Support Fundamental Human Rights

We are committed to the goal of treating each other with respect and dignity.

Science class taught me that the human body is a coordinated team. Every individual tissue and vessel works in sync with the other. And—voila! A person exists!

My body failed to read that memo.

Muscles seize up, wrap themselves in the comforting warmth of scar tissue. They ignore every prod of the nervous system to release and move. And arguments ensue. No polite exchange of ideas or communication. It’s a descent into back-biting, cursing, and brawling. With the result of my hollering for assistance to put on a bra in the morning. (The ultimate low for my dignity)

The GI system requires an adequate blood supply to digest even a meager meal. (Such a basic request) But the blood vessels—in an underhanded bargain with the lungs—restrict their offering. For no other reason than because it’s within their purview. Arteries have no care for the resulting pain, stasis, or resulting nausea. All that matters is who holds power in the relationship.

(The answer certainly isn’t me)

We Do Not Engage in Corruption or Bribery

We must never make or receive payments for the purpose of influencing any healthy tissue to do something wrong, resulting in pain, injury, or inflammation. We prohibit bribery and must never pay, offer, accept, or request anything of value to secure improper damage to another portion of the Body.

I’m ashamed to admit that I bargain with myself—daily.

“Behave for just five minutes, and I promise to take a nap this afternoon.” The insincere promise rolls off my tongue while walking across the gym floor. (Can’t show weakness in front of healthy, fit, normal individuals)

“Let me get through today, and I won’t do anything this weekend.” A typical bargain made as a false compromise to endure a long work day when the body wants no part of even sitting at a desk. (You’d think I was asking it to do something complicated, like breathe)

“Please don’t make me cry, and I’ll let you hurt as much as you want when we get home.” The constant plea when faced with the pressure of a medical professional’s impending words.

Then there are the trade-offs between sides, bargaining for one ankle to hurt in favor of the stronger, more resilient (less scarred, more repaired) joint. Offering to wince and whimper through upper back discomfort instead of wondering whether the rods and screws of the lower back might have failed at some crucial place.

Another adult should serve as custodian over the nightmare playground of my body. Someone more capable of setting a proper example.

We Respond to External Requests Appropriately

We communicate information about the Body with one, clear voice. This includes sharing information verbally and physically. To be sure that we comply with this Code and protect our interests, only those specifically designated to do so may represent the Body to the public, medical professionals, or in connection with physical therapy inquiries.

My poor performance has led to Bedlam among the organs, muscles, nerves, and vessels. Had I kept my word—even once—maybe they wouldn’t have revolted so often. But now they’ve sensed my weakness and determined that life is a free-for-all.

With no one willing to listen or behave.

They betray my attempts to disguise my infirmities. My lies of how in control I am over myself.

Winces, twitches, jerks, cries: they appear without my consent and counter the words of, “I’m fine,” “The pain isn’t too bad today,” and the ever-popular, “I can do this.” Friends and family have learned to read my body over me, seeking out the truth (a version of it, at any rate; who would ever trust such an undisciplined group?) over my confident statements.

I have no control or authority over these disparate pieces.

I am nothing more than a hostage, brought along for a jouncing, uncomfortable ride. Straight to hell.