Dear Crabby: Everyone Says "Stoic": Is That Bad?

DEAR CRABBY: I’ve created a monster.

Let me explain: I have fibromyalgia. So I experience ridiculous levels of pain All. The. Time. My nervous system basically hates me. But the diagnosis means I never know whether a new ache or cramp is because of my centralized pain disorder or because something’s genuinely wrong.

And trying to explain pain to medical professionals gets downright frustrating.

I’ve had too many doctors and nurses scold me for “exaggerating” my pain. They don’t hesitate or question whether I might actually feel a 10 on their pain scale. I guess because I’m not crying. Or maybe because I can walk into the office without a cane or wheelchair.

So I’ve learned to swallow the screams and behave myself.

Sort of.

But now, everyone compliments my behavior. Everyone calls me STOIC!

I had a recent mesenteric doppler. The pressure of the ultrasound wand on my abdomen HURT. I wanted to say something. But I knew the doctor needed the images to diagnose what was happening with my stomach. (What mattered more? My inability to eat or a little discomfort?) I closed my eyes and clenched my teeth.

The technician smiled at me when it was over and told me, “You were so stoic. I’m impressed.”

It made me think I should have said something, told her I was in pain. Would it have mattered? Or would she have fallen back on the usual standby that I was complaining?

I’m so confused! And now, more and more nurses and doctors are calling me stoic for saying nothing!

What should I do?

I want them to take my pain seriously. Without thinking I’m making everything up for attention, drugs, or whatever they believe. (It’s drugs, isn’t it? It’s always drugs)

Help! —NOT-SO-STOIC-THE-VIKING

DEAR NOT-SO-STOIC: Isn’t pain fun?

It leaves you in one of those “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situations. (Actually, you’re pretty much just damned) Every option feels wrong, and that freezes you into immobility. Which you believe people translate as beautiful stoicism.

Mainly because they don’t have the time or energy to pay attention to your subtle winces or the grinding of your teeth. (That last bit tends to get lost under the noise of machines) If they weren’t quite as pressed for time, they’d hesitate and ask you if you were okay instead of proclaiming you the “Patient of the Day.”

Does that about sum it up?

Here’s the deal, though: You’re misinterpreting their use of the word “stoic” as a lack of sympathy. But these medical professionals are actually admiring your ability to swallow all that pain in light of their findings.

It’s a compliment—in a sick, twisted sort of way.

Look at the facts: Most people technicians deal with come in and start the appointment with a complaint:

• They waited too long

• The room’s too cold (because let’s face it, hospitals are always cold)

• They don’t know what the procedure is testing for

• Their favorite coffee ran out before they got there

• It’s Monday

With a starting irritation level of 5, ANYTHING is bound to set them off, especially discomfort.

Meanwhile, you have a chart labeled with fibro and a list of additional painful symptoms. So the technician’s prepared themselves to hear you yelp and whine.

But you aren’t.

Instead, you’re lying there quietly. Granted, it’s because you’re so gaslit at this point, you’re afraid to make a peep. But it runs counter to their expectations. So they have no choice but to assume you’re swallowing a lot of agony.

Hence, “Stoic.”

But if you ARE experiencing that much pain during your procedures, it’s rational to say something. Your medical team needs to know what might be related to your current list of symptoms. And staying stoic about things won’t help anyone.

It’s hard balancing on that line of pain. But you’ve earned the right to speak up for yourself. If something hurts, say so

You won’t win brownie points by suffering in silence.

(By the way, I like brownies. So If you DO get any, be sure to pass some my way!)