Fog Advisory

I promise, I didn’t forget May was Fibromyalgia Awareness Month. It’s just happened to coincide with an utter disaster of a month (on multiple fronts), leaving me with very few spoons to manage anything. (I’m also still getting the hang of how Beehiiv works after three years at the other place)

I wasn’t about to let the whole month slip by, though.

Weather Alert

Severe Brain Fog Advisory is now in effect for any unsuspecting Spoonies with plans to be functional today. Will extend until it’s no longer inconvenient to struggle to put more than two three-letter words together. (Experts guess this may not occur until 3:00 AM EDT six weeks from now, but they acknowledge a distinct lack of reliable data on the subject)

Action Recommended

Avoid any and all attempts to engage with another human being—whether in person or via a favored technological device—per the instructions given below. Unless you happen to enjoy staring in blank confusion at said human while you attempt to remember a word—or series of words—that the average kindergarten student mastered during their first week of school. Examples include simple descriptors, colors, directions, and whatever that thing with six legs and wings is called. (Note: This vapid expression may sometimes be confused with your other vacant stare, used when you’re no longer interested in the conversation but attempting to look polite. Minus the pleasant smile.)

Issued By

Prefrontal Cortex—Forebrain, Spoonie, National Brain Fog Awareness Association

Affected Area

Any and all vocabulary, definitions, names, and grammar stored within the confines of the Spoonie Brain, stretching from your earliest school days to what you spoke five seconds ago will be affected. This may or may not include the broader shelves of all currently banked memories. (Note: Consider All memories suspect during the active portion of this advisory. Do not rely on your famous recall ability unless you relish having someone you only marginally care for calling out your faulty brain with witnesses and photographic proof to the contrary.)

Description

A Severe Brain Fog Advisory is currently in effect due to the weather/season change outside (regardless of how many blankets you’re wrapped in), an unexpected (or even expected) flare of your little toe, the conjunction of the stars into the prophesied arrangement, or the fact it’s Thursday. (Or…Wednesday? Is it maybe Friday?)

What

Complete obscuration of even the simplest words—understood by insects and plants—possible, with no hope of retrieving anything sensical from the distant reaches of your brain. A few moments of lost speech are likely, particularly the harder you attempt to prove yourself an intelligent human being with advanced education and literary prowess. (Do not, repeat, do not brandish diplomas, certificates, or letters demonstrating your abilities while in the midst of this advisory)

Where

Interactions with those around you, extending to foolish attempts to set coherent thoughts down on paper (via pen or keyboard). Assume that any action aside from lying in a bed like a complete invalid carries the potential to extend the advisory’s reach and duration.

When

Advisory will remain in effect until you seek out—and locate—a miracle cure for the random self-destruction of your body and mind. (Chance of success currently rated at 1:42,000 odds) Potential exists for an early lifting of the advisory if you accede to your new “mush brain” and elect to become a mute lump of useless space on the couch.

Impacts

Conditions will be hazardous to relationships, whether close or casual, resulting in people assuming you are making fun of their speech abilities, ignoring their shared news, or demonstrating your lack of interest in continuing an emotional connection. A few people may suggest the possibility of a stroke based on your incoherence. Pushing your lips into a helpless smile will dissuade them from making such a mistake. This is, after all, only a brain fog advisory—nothing serious or dramatic for the average human.

Precautionary/Preparedness Actions

Inexperienced Spoonies, especially those intending to perform public speaking, should avoid human contact in these hazardous conditions. Anyone attempting to operate their brain during this advisory risks harm to their reputation, respect from others, and their sanity. With no advanced warning capability at this time, it’s suggested you become a hermit and shun the contact you’ve grown to enjoy and depend on. Better a (quasi) living, (somewhat) breathing human being than a ridiculed moron incapable of identifying the word “cat.”