Mental Space Lease Agreement

I’m continuing my tribute to Depression Awareness and Education Month. It’s absolutely deserving of attention, as are any mental health diagnoses. And I’d be remiss if I didn’t share the new Suicide Hotline information. If you feel the need to talk to someone, remember there is ALWAYS someone there to listen.

I. The Parties

This Residential Lease Agreement (“Agreement”) made this May 3, 1996, is between Landlord Brain (“Landlord”) AND Tenant Depression (“Tenant”), herein referred to collectively as “Parties.”

Do you ever notice how easily you rent out space in your brain to emotions? Any little thing comes along—Anger, Joy, Grief, Excitement, DEPRESSION—and you whip out a contract. No background check. No request for references. You don’t even take the time to scope out a credit report. You just see the outward appearance of a well-adjusted, rational, competent individual and hand over a lease agreement. And as long as it has the cognitive ability to sign a contract (ironically, something YOU don’t always possess), you make room in your mental space. You never take the time to consider whether you’re inviting a nightmare tenant into the functional neighborhood of your cranium.

II. Lease Type

This Agreement is considered a fixed lease. The Tenant shall be allowed to occupy the Premises starting May 3, 1996, and end on ETERNITY (“Lease Term”). At the end of the Lease Term, if no renewal is made, the Tenant must vacate the Premises.

You exercise ZERO caution when Depression drops by. It wears such a deceiving smile that you convince yourself it MUST be safe. So you roll out the welcome mat and prepare your nicest suite of rooms. Not once stopping to consider if you should make this a trial stay. Or set up probationary terms to see how it will interact with your other emotions. (Never mind that real estate never polls the current populace before introducing a neighbor; you have higher standards—or you SHOULD) A limited-term lease simply doesn’t occur to you. Because what harm could Depression possibly cause?

III. Occupants

The Premises are to be occupied strictly as a residential dwelling with no Occupants in addition to the Tenant.

Of course, in your blind attempt to bring this new emotion aboard, you fail to overlook the accompanying occupants Depression sneaks in (under cover of darkness when no one’s looking). Because while it will do everything to make YOU feel isolated and alone, it can’t exist without company. It’s a matched set, never parted from Judgment, Bitterness, and Misery. A quartet of dangerous tenants that weigh down your mind and lower the tone of your mental neighborhood.

IV. The Property

The Landlord agrees to lease the described property to the Tenant:

Without realizing it, you provide Depression with the ideal home: Walls papered with cringe-worthy memories, waiting to be thrust in front of your mental eyes at the least suspecting moments. Room after room stocked with insecurities, ripe for Judgment’s perusal and scornful laughter. And (best of all) a charming view of every mistake—real or imagined—from a gorgeous balcony. Misery can spend days itemizing each one for you, whispering them into your inner ear in the middle of the night.

V. Purpose

The Tenant may only use the Premises as a residential dwelling.

You understood none of this when Depression presented with its request for shelter. All you glimpsed was a calm, unassuming individual with a list of rational arguments as to why they’d make an ideal tenant. It never discussed its habit of taking advantage of your bountiful insecurities, expanding and magnifying them. Nor did it mention its tendency to thrive on even the slightest feelings of self-recrimination. Worse than a meth lab, you’ve invited in a master criminal that grows and fattens on the misery of YOU. (And no SWAT team in the world can take it down)

VI. Rent

The Tenant shall pay the Landlord in equal monthly installments (“Rent”). The Rent shall be due on the 1st of every month (“Due Date”).

So promising, that occupation of “Emotion” on the rental application. You gained so much dimension and flavor from others you granted homes to in the past. It was nothing more than common sense to add another form of emotional currency to your bank. (Proving once and for all that intelligence and reason are mutually exclusive) Had you paused to run that background check, you would have learned—in time—the monster smiling across the desk from you. Depression robs you blind, draining away so much more than you receive in return.

VII. Pets

The Tenant shall not have the right to have pets on the Premises or in the common areas.

And the filthy shadows it carries with it! You hear the scratching and hissing (don’t worry, they’ve had their shots). Neighbors complain about the midnight howling. But they vanish in the light of day when you call for a surprise inspection. Open the door, and they disappear through cracks and crevices, escaping into the surrounding homes to wreak further havoc. A tornado of destruction you failed to obtain a security deposit for. (And Depression has a perfectly rational explanation for the marks and tears)

VIII. Abandonment

If the Tenant vacates or abandons the Premises for a time period that is the minimum set by the State law or seven (7) days, whichever is less, the Landlord shall have the right to terminate this Agreement immediately and remove all belongings, including any personal property off the Premises.

You start counting (and wishing for) the days when Depression lies dormant. The tally edges closer and closer to an eviction, and your hope rises. (You treasure those moments) But it always comes crashing down. The shadows begin crawling the walls. Its other occupants wake and start to irritate the neighbors. Depression understands the time limit on its lease and refuses to skulk away. It always returns before the appointed deadline. And you stare at the calendar, wondering when the next reprieve for the community will be.

XI. Guests

There shall be no other persons living on the Premises other than the Tenant. Guests of the Tenant are allowed for periods not lasting more than 48 hours unless otherwise approved by the Landlord in writing.

Worse, Depression serves as a gateway to a dreaded influence. You were wise enough to decline a home to Anxiety all those years ago. (The bum had no trade) But it’s a close friend of Depression. And the two enjoy raucous parties, creating violent chaos it takes WEEKS to repair. Without violating the rules! Depression delivers the paperwork to your desk every time, a smug smile on its face. The community is left in helpless shambles, watching the two BFFs destroy the status quo.

X. Entire Agreement

The Landlord and Tenant agree to the terms and conditions and shall be bound until the end of the Lease Term.

Depression is clever. It doesn’t arrive with the shadows and rain clouds in tow. (They show up with the moving van) So you see no reason to decline it a warm, safe home in your brain. Until you’re spending every waking moment, searching for a reason for eviction. (Too late to read the lease agreement) But monsters are always comfortable where they find sustenance. And the heart of your uncertainty—collected rumors, body issues, and rejections—could fatten a host of the emotion. It’s at home in the tangle of your mind. A lesson on scrutinizing who, exactly, deserves rental space in the twists and turns of your cranium.

Teaching you to exclude the very things that could counter Depression. (Irony moved in decades ago)