Needed: Functional Central Nervous System

Level XII Central Nervous System

Immediate opening for a dynamic, engaging, functional Central Nervous System. Excellent opportunity for an individual looking for a management role!

Company

Defunct Body has operated for 42 years. Over the past 20 years, we’ve contracted our focus to providing the best in breathing - with occasional movement. We proudly boast limb and (most) organ retention. (It’s a known fact that not all are necessary for existence) Our daily operation sees no less than an average pain score of 5 on the Numerical Pain Scale. And we consume higher than the usual person’s dose of anti-inflammatory pills to complete everyday tasks.

There’s no company like us anywhere!

Position Description

We’re looking for a committed worker to organize our nerve impulses. As signals arrive throughout the system, the Level XII CNS will receive, review, and interpret each one, deciding on the appropriate response. The ideal candidate will manage upwards of 1,000 signals per second - without mistakes. (We aren’t one to criticize, but our current Level XI CNS isn’t up to the task. Too many errors have occurred, leading us to look for someone more competent)

This should all take place while handling the average duties of an entry-level CNS.

We’re searching for an employee capable of multitasking. The best candidate will demonstrate a balance of confidence, organization, and level-headedness. Grace under pressure is a definite requirement. We do not expect someone of this caliber to experience breakdowns.

Top Benefits

When you’re a team member at Defunct Body, you enjoy the best benefits in the industry:

• A 168-hour work week (no breaks whatsoever!)

• Health, vision, and dental complications (Insurance varies; we’ll discuss that when you’ve signed your contract)

• No paid time off

• Dynamic work environment: near-constant pain signals from nerves throughout the system!

• No career advancement

• Bonus opportunities such as confusion, vertigo, and insomnia

• No sick leave (you’re discouraged from getting ill - it’s in the contract)

Location

Defunct Body is located in the lovely recesses of a blanket fort in the middle of the living room. You’ll find us surrounded by stunning numbers of heating pads, ice packs, and bottles of anti-inflammatories. Just five minutes from the couch, it’s the perfect place to coordinate a complete physical breakdown.

Application Information

If you feel up to the task of this position, please submit an application - complete with at least 13 living references - to [email protected]. If you pass the initial screening, our sister organization - Caretaker - will get in touch with you to schedule a physical demonstration of your abilities.

Please come prepared to work a non-paid 24-hour shift.

We look forward to meeting you!