Permit for the Pit of Despair

It’s the final week of Depression Awareness and Education Month. That means we’re wrapping up our “salute” to depression here at Invisible Inks.

And that means one last share of the new Suicide Hotline information. I’m going a little lighter on things this week, but that isn’t a reflection on the importance of mental health. People are always available to listen whenever you need them.

Permit Requested

It’s the latest in mental health accommodations: your very own Pit of Despair!

Installed on-site for convenience and easy access. In a few short weeks (possibly days—it depends on the state of your mental health), you could be sucked down into the sludge of oblivion with no need for that irritating appointment with your therapist. Simply sit back and luxuriate in the mistakes of the day! All within the comfort of your own mind.

Inappropriate depths of sadness vary to suit your particular depressive fugue. Complete with soul-sucking leeches!

Health Department Approved?

The Pit of Despair is suitable for every age and body type (or perceived bodily imperfections). Prior diagnosis by a medical professional is strongly discouraged (such a healthy inclination would interfere with your ability to enjoy the profound misery provided by the Pit). At least one mental breakdown is recommended prior to purchase (minor or major—as long as you threw yourself across a bed in Disney princess fashion or uttered the words, “It’s hopeless”).

Safety Feature (Select One):

Barrier [ ]Alarm [ ]Self-Closing Latching Doors [ ]Cover [ ]

You can elect to have an optional warning barrier installed on the periphery of your Pit of Despair. It lends a certain stylish quality to the soul-sucking depths of darkness and shadow. ( Please note: anything more than a butterfly’s weight is not approved for the barrier) Built-in pressure sensors detect even the slightest touch to allow easy access to the Pit. May give way without warning, even during your more positive episodes (no need to discuss this tendency with a medical professional; if you were well-adjusted, you wouldn’t have purchased the Pit in the first place).

The manufacturer also offers a stylish cover that helpfully disguises the opening while remaining three sizes too small. This ensures you may stumble over the edge at any given moment. The handy feature is so you can surprise yourself with a sudden spate of crying and doubt at a moment’s notice. All without marring the sublime landscape of your mental space. (Please note: the Pit of Despair can appear frightful without the use of this cover)

The Pit does come equipped with safety ladders for egress, as designated by the Health Department. (All safety ladders are five feet too short) Enjoy your time luxuriating in abject misery within the sucking sludge of despair, waiting for brief pieces of hope to drop from the surface. Half the fun of owning a Pit is the ingenuity of cobbling together your frail escape.

Type:

Fiberglass [ ]Masonry [ ]Above Ground [ ]

The Pit of Despair is constructed of sturdy recycled materials you attempted to forget. This ensures that nothing in your mind goes to waste. Remembered insults from your childhood? Backhanded compliments from your mother? Snide remarks from co-workers? Everything is kept fresh and returned to you in a new form day after day. (Please do not attempt to recognize the pattern; such behavior is unhealthy for the stability of your Pit)

You have the option of lining your Pit with any or all of the following:

• Regrets

• Mistakes

• Self-recriminations

• Doubts

• Shame

Everything will be maintained at a comfortable degree designed to keep your self-confidence at a stable subzero temperature. Fluctuations in your self-image will cause a surge in the lining, ensuring you maintain the same level of disinterest with which you entered the Pit. (It is not recommended that you speak with anyone who may offer a different perspective; you don’t want the Pit to begin to dry up)

Retaining Wall?

Though doubtful, you may choose to “hibernate” your Pit of Despair. This isn’t recommended. (The manufacturer suggests daily use to get the most out of your dose of self-dissatisfaction) With disuse, contaminated sludge may leak out and poison surrounding thoughts. The warranty does not cover—and the manufacturer is not responsible for—any damage that results from your failure to surround the Pit with a protective positive energy (that you do not possess).

Instead, continued use (abuse) of your tainted self-image can help prevent this leeching of toxic imagery. Your Pit is the safest place to contain all of your negative thoughts and feelings. (That’s why you purchased it in the first place)

Deck?

From time to time, you may (inadvertently or at the advice of a misguided friend or relative) choose to speak with a medical professional. They have an inability to enter the Pit of Despair. But they will often overlook it and comment on the construction and lining you chose for your investment. They may even attempt to reach down from the edge and pry you from the sludge’s surrounding warmth and lukewarm comfort. The manufacturer strongly recommends that you resist this temptation. They installed those insufficient safety ladders for a reason.

Applicant agrees to comply with the sanitary regulations.

The Pit of Despair may leave you feeling tired, worn, disgusting, and unclean. That is NOT a manufacturer’s defect. In installing the feature within your mind, you agreed to consolidate all your self-hatred, shame, and misery in one location. It stands to reason that wallowing in such an eyesore will produce an unsavory image as a result. (Do NOT attempt to listen to therapists who will encourage you to look at yourself in a different light)

Applicant further understands that failure to obtain a permit is a misdemeanor and, upon conviction, applicant can be punished as provided by the law.

The Pit of Despair is a lifetime commitment. You should not authorize construction if you do not intend to maintain the upkeep necessary. You may, from time to time, lower the depth of your personal sludge. (Usually done under the supervision of an interfering therapist)

However, it is impossible to drain, cap, or remove a Pit once installed. Any and all attempts will be met with weeping, sobbing, screaming, and listlessness. And, eventually, a resigned return to the welcoming depths.