Pop Culture Pain Scale for Invisible Illness

The end of the year is a time for nostalgia, am I right? Well, I’m proud to deliver the FIRST hermit crab essay I ever wrote. It still holds a special place in my heart, and I wanted to share it with everyone.

Welcome to the Imaginary Illness Clinic.

This is where you’re sent when you roll up to a medical office complaining of distress—with no visible indications for your pain.

The staff isn’t interested in your medical history. Instead, a nurse rolls their eyes and hands you a pain scale card. “Indicate the category that closely depicts the ‘agony’ you’re experiencing.”

Their lips curl in a sardonic grin. “It won’t accelerate your triage process, but it will amuse the staff.”

You know the drill: Scan the Numerical Pain Scale below and decide which absurd description aligns with the hell your system is currently experiencing.

1. Zombie Bite

Zombies possess strong jaws. You know when a walking corpse latches onto your body. That impact of gnarly teeth grinding into your flesh? It’ll make you wince. The flash of screaming nerves is equivalent to your toe colliding with the corner of the coffee table. But after ten minutes of flopping on the floor and bemoaning your fate? You can grudgingly admit you might survive.

2. Suspicious Poison

Maybe that extra ingredient in your drink was meant to kill you. It didn’t work, but now you wish it had. Your internal organs feel like they’re starting to work their way to the outside, complete with attendant cramping. (How long are intestines again?) But you’re also coping with a brain assault courtesy of the dehydration. Ambient daylight sends a railroad spike through your skull. And every whisper is insanely loud. You plan to huddle on the floor of a dark bathroom for the next 12 hours (better make it 24).

3. Alien Scratch

Not every alien invader is horrifying or monstrous. But you should probably avoid contact, all the same. Your body isn’t capable of withstanding foreign (really foreign) bacteria. You didn’t listen, though; now a “harmless” scratch from an adorable space cutie has left your face swollen with intense pressure. The muscles around your eye spasm constantly. Your vision resembles a strobe light on crack. And the orbital rim? It’s not designed to withstand that kind of strain. If someone offered a bucket of ice, you’d wear it as a fashion statement.

4. Chemical Dip

Everyone knows tanning beds aren’t healthy, but bleaching every layer of skin in a hazardous vat of chemicals isn’t recommended either. It’s the sort of burn that goes to the bone. You can’t touch anything. Even the thinnest fabrics provoke screams. Breezes and airflow from vents leave you clenching your teeth. Given the option to walk around naked, you’d take it in a heartbeat; modesty be damned.

5. Murder Hornets

Horrific wasps the size of a human thumb took exception to your presence. The hive descended, leaving your body feeling like a cross between a voodoo doll and a pincushion (of course there’s a difference). Every movement provokes a new nerve to cry out and then turn numb. Not a pleasant numb either. We’re talking the absence of sensation that leaves skin feeling raw. The combination turns you into a stumbling mess. You resort to standing as long as possible to prevent pressure from forming.

6. Red Wedding Attendee

What did Game of Thrones teach us? That’s right—never accept suspicious invitations. No one wants to end up with a sword through the gut. (All bleeding stops eventually) Sharp, stabbing pain in the kidney that refuses to cease? (Or is it the pancreas? The liver? Maybe the ovaries) Whatever, it’s not something to live with. An endless piercing ache that robs your ability to sit or lay down, making it difficult to catch your breath (Perhaps the lungs!), is no way to exist. You happily agree to a laparoscopic exploration to track the offending puncture.

7. Wizard Curse

Everyone knows: never piss off the wizard. That’s how you end up in these situations: A grinning maniac with a wand (or staff or creepy finger) pointed in your direction. The result? Every joint in your body dislocating. At the same time. You never realize how many pivot points there are on the body until they twist, swell, and lock in strange directions. Fingers, toes, wrists, ankles, knees, elbows, hips, shoulders, vertebrae. You hold your breath as you move. When someone offers to inject long needles into the offending joints, you agree without hesitation.

8. Force Lightning

No matter which side of the battle of a certain space-themed franchise you cheer for, you recognize Force Lightning when you see it. More to the point, you know the agony produced by 50 million volts of electricity racing through your nervous system. No part of your body’s safe. Blood vessels turn raw, circulation scraping veins and arteries. Shaking becomes involuntary, and tiny movements lead to further dances of lightning through your brain. You clench your hands, grit your teeth, tense your body. Lack of activity is the key to surviving this assault on your system.

9. Kaiju Attack

Giant monsters never look where they’re going. Destroy this, eat that, squash everything. Unfortunately, you’ve become the victim of their callous disregard. Not dead (wouldn’t that be a relief?) but under rubble in the path of destruction. Building debris feels like—well, a lot like concrete and steel crushing your body. Time to count your bones. Every. Single. One. (Fun fact: Your skull has 22) Those bones feel compacted under piles of stone and Godzilla's foot. You don’t want to move, but it’s impossible to resist. Escaping from your body becomes tempting.

10. Velociraptor Ambush

We’ve seen the warnings: velociraptors catch you unaware. These dinosaurs prefer to eat their victims alive. There’s no part of your body that isn’t screaming—including, well, you. Bones snapped, organs punctured, vessels lacerated; it’s a buffet of agony. You don’t hit a 10 often. Mainly because this means incapacitation. (Hard to function with a prehistoric monster snacking on your spleen) You’re beyond walking. Speech goes out the window. Caretakers step in to communicate, usually at high volume, due to frayed nerves and extreme stress. You’ll accept any form of pain relief.

0. Game Over

Congratulations! You’re pain-free! Frankly, there’s no reason for you to be in the clinic.

Oh. Probably should have checked your pulse first. Didn’t realize you were dead. Our bad.