The Latest ESAs

Allow me to take this moment to remind everyone of a key component of this newsletter:

THIS IS SATIRE!

I come from a background in animals, and I respect the profession of both service dogs and GENUINE emotional support animals (ESAs). (If you’re one of those people trying to get your rabid chihuahua into Walmart, I’m not going to back you up)

I simply got the idea for this after reading a comment made by a friend of mine.

Sloth

• Diagnosed Condition: Fatigue

• Supporting Trait: On average, moves no more than 41 yards (37.5m) a day

You have no energy to accomplish any given task. Neither does your ESA sloth! Sacked out on the couch beside you, your new buddy will wholeheartedly agree to queue up another episode on your favorite streaming service. The two of you can happily become one with your surroundings (mind the algae) in a judgment-free zone.

And if anyone raises an eyebrow that you’ve only made it from the bed to the couch? Well, the claws on those toes are downright lethal! (Once you wake them up)

Giraffe

• Diagnosed Condition: Insomnia

• Supporting Trait: Only requires an average of 30 minutes of deep sleep every day

What could be better than an ESA that can accompany you as you pace back and forth throughout the night, chasing that elusive rest and recuperation? How about a furry confidant that can cope with your fragmented sleep schedule! The ESA giraffe—courtesy of a nervous disposition and an evolutionary drive to avoid predation—has mastered surviving on frequent “catnaps” throughout the day. Instead of railing against your lost hours of relaxation, the two of you can stand for endless hours, discussing your constant cycle of worries.

Mind those feet, though: When startled, giraffes have a kick that can decapitate a lion!

Koala

• Diagnosed Condition: Brain fog

• Supporting Trait: Smallest comparative brain size of any mammal (only 0.68oz./19.2g—60% of its skull volume)

You hate forgetting basic words, daily operations, how to spell your name…what your name actually is. You need the support of an ESA that goes through life with the comprehension of a stoner to make you feel better about your gaps in intelligence. And the cuteness of the ESA koala sweetens the deal! That tiny brain doesn’t allow for complex thought processes, and almost no gyri are present when you pry open the skull—the cortex is smooth as a baby’s butt! Your ESA koala will happily sit beside you and blink in amazement at any words you utter. You’ll become an absolute genius in their eyes!

Watch when they take a pee break on your lap; they tend to transmit Chlamydia.

Crocodile

• Diagnosed Condition: Digestive issues

• Supporting Trait: Digestive system produces the strongest acid of any other animal

Does your stomach savor a banana one day and reject it in your smoothie the next? Or send you hunger pangs for fifteen minutes that abruptly switch to nausea warnings when you pick up a slice of toast? Not to fear: The ESA crocodile will console your bipolar GI tract in no time. As soon as you feel queasy, sit back and watch your reptilian pal take down a whole carcass! Bones, hair, hooves—that stomach acid can handle whatever’s thrown its way. It’s a marvel that will serve as the perfect role model for your touchy system.

Always stay a respectful 5 feet (1.5m) back, though; your ESA crocodile has a healthy lunge and isn’t picky about its diet.

Echidna

• Diagnosed Condition: Numbness

• Supporting Trait: Capable of maintaining the lowest body temperature (82°F/28°C) of any mammal

Can you feel that? Of course not, because your foot spends half the day numb. (Or your hand. Or your leg) Dead cold is a natural state for you. So why not keep company with a creature that regularly enjoys sessions of torpor? Your new ESA echidna already keeps an internal body temperature at the low end of the spectrum. But when they have nothing more interesting to do? (Like you, when you’re staring at your dead foot) They go into torpor and really push the bounds of temperature tolerance. We’re talking all the way to 53°C/12°C! Almost makes your numbness feel toasty, doesn’t it?

Be careful when you pick up your snoozing ESA echidna buddy, though. Males have spurs on their hind legs!

Tiger

• Diagnosed Condition: Allodynia

• Supporting Trait: Most alert animal in the world

Ideally, you’d like to requisition a bubble. Anything to prevent random touches and fabrics from wreaking havoc on your nervous system. An isolated life has to be better than feeling constant pain from hugs or the press of your sweats against your legs, right? Don’t get drastic just yet, though, not until you’ve spent time with your new ESA tiger. An apex predator, that feline is designed to catch sight of everything before it becomes a problem. It’ll see, hear, and smell an approaching threat before they get within touching distance of you.

Of course, there is the minor detail of needing to handle body disposal afterward…

Surinam Toad

• Diagnosed Condition: Depression

• Supporting Trait: Flattest animal in the world

What happens when you enter a depressive phase? That’s right—you flop down on the couch or bed. Well, now your ESA toad can join you in that flattening. The Surinam toad’s natural state is splayed out, eyes forever gazing upward without blinking. And you won’t need to be bothered by any flashy colors or dramatic patterns while you’re in your pit of despair; your ESA toad will blend in as a suitable decaying leaf. It’ll even hoover in its food as you scarf down chocolate and potato chips. The two of you will make the perfect pair!

As expected, though, your toad buddy produces toxins in their skin. So don’t handle them with your bare hands.

Goat

• Diagnosed Condition: Anxiety

• Supporting Trait: One of the most anxious species on the planet

Are you tired of everyone telling you, “Calm down,” “Stop stressing,” or “Relax” every day? (Clearly, they’re oblivious to the state of the planet) It’s time for you to step up to a better companion. Like an ESA goat! Who else will stand and scream with you—for mundane reasons? Or even help you plot escape plans? And when you want to orchestrate a hunger strike to get your point across, it’ll bar access to the kitchen. You can also count on your goat to support even your most dramatic panic attacks. It will fall over in a dead faint at the drop of a hat!

Keep an eye on those behaviors, though. You never know when your anxiety twin might turn aggressive on you for hogging the spotlight.

Angora Rabbit

• Diagnosed Condition: Sensitivity

• Supporting Trait: Fluffiest animal in the world

Everything—and you mean everything—irritates your body. Hot, cold, warm, soft, harsh, itchy, smooth. Removing your skin sounds more and more tempting (either that or disengaging your nervous system). Not to fear: Your ESA rabbit has arrived to calm the flaring synapses in your body. Seriously—how can you possibly feel anything but relaxed when embracing all that FLUFF? It’s the closest thing to a cloud evolution has managed to produce. Simply collapse onto it and feel the tiny flickers of your nerves drift away.

At least until you attempt to detach that exceedingly fine hair from your skin…

Porcupine

• Diagnosed Condition: Paraesthesia

• Supporting Trait: Covered in an average of 30,000 detachable quills

Pins and needles, pins and needles, pins and needles. All you feel from waking to sleeping is the tingle of pins and needles. So why not enjoy the company of an ESA porcupine? All those tempting quills close at hand, ready to puncture the maddening torment of your leg phasing in and out of feeling. Your buddy can quickly jab you and ease the discomfort…or at least give your brain something new to contemplate.

Just don’t play around with those quills too much. Those barbs are not to be trifled with!