Yoga

Yoga Spinal Alignment

Manual bodily manipulation

(performed under the auspices of loosening, relaxing, and calming sore, aching, spasming, cramping, or throbbing muscles. Often with the accompaniment of soothing, inspiring, enlightening music or guided meditation designed to distract from the horrific pain generated by the ensuing manipulation)

Alleviate Your Stress and Pain Simultaneously

Yoga is a non-prescription therapy designed to relax the body and distract the mind from common pain diagnoses such as fibromyalgia, migraine, multiple sclerosis, irritable bowel disorder, arthritis, restless leg syndrome, carpal tunnel, depression, gastroesophageal reflux, anxiety, appendicitis, kidney stone, or cancer.

The sessions, guided by professionals certified through the latest internet fitness craze, last for as little as 10 minutes or as long as 60 minutes. (Depending on your ability to breathe and withstand bodily contortions outside the realm of a normal human’s capability) Each program comes complete with fancifully named positions that add humor to the nerves screaming in protest throughout your body while the instructor encourages deep thoughtfulness in a vain attempt to distract you. (The meditation is intended to pair with their witty humor)

By participating in Yoga daily, you will notice a decrease in your cortisol levels for a minimum of 2 minutes. Potentially 4 minutes as you lie comatose on your yoga mat* at the conclusion of each program.

*mat must be purchased separately from treatment sessions

You may begin to experience an easing of your stress symptoms as quickly as 5 minutes after beginning Yoga. At the very least, you will find your mind wavering from your initial worries and focusing on the frustration of attempting to origami your body into the demonstrated positions of the instructor. Success of the therapy may depend on your physical ability, height, weight, balance, coordination, family history, childhood experience with dance and gymnastics, and patience.

Patients who participate in Yoga therapy may experience worsening stress, frustration, pain, irritation, annoyance, new injuries, and the desire to cause harm to those around them.

Yoga has been deemed safe for all ages. But the best results have been seen in the younger generation, with no stiffened joints, preconceived notions of behavior, or tendencies toward embarrassment when unable to complete a task. Yoga is not recommended for anyone incapable of touching their toes, holding their breath, bending at the waist, raising their arms over their head, looking fantastic in Lycra, or keeping in their farts.

You are encouraged to report any adverse reactions to therapies such as Yoga. It won’t cause people to stop recommending kitschy studios or videos, but it will prompt family and friends to seek out additional quackery for your mounting stress and pain. You will also find yourself with the suggestion that the problem is you and not the therapy. Expect to demonstrate your form repeatedly to prove your practiced ability.

Additional risks of Yoga include:

• Unwanted conversation with strangers

• Inability to move the body from certain positions

• Focused attention due to your astonishing lack of coordination

• Sweating

• Profuse sweating

• Cramps

• Embarrassment

• Accidental death

Ask Your Doctor if Yoga is Right For You

Only a medical professional—who has been harping on you to do SOMETHING about your stress and absurd pain levels—is qualified to recommend treatments such as Yoga. Though friends, family, acquaintances, neighbors, social media followers, and spam bots will all need to weigh in on your health. Despite their lack of background or experience with restorative Yoga, they will feel confident in their recommendations. You are, after all, a priority in their life.

Yoga

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