Your Daily Group Text Hostage Situation

Can we discuss how tickled I was during this week’s Flash Fiction class? They wanted to discuss hermit crabs as a great tool for flash fiction! (Why this never crossed the speculative side of my mind, I don’t know) Funny how small the universe is. Anyway, I thought I’d share that synchronicity with everyone.

Brain
Rise and shine, everyone! It’s another beautiful morning!

Eyes
How do you know? We aren’t open. It could be pouring rain outside. The Apocalypse might have happened. There could be zombies waiting to feast on you, for all the input you’re working with at the moment.

Ears
Not that it matters, but we’re not detecting any impending sounds of concern.

Eyes
Way to be on our side. Thanks.

Ears
Not choosing sides here. We just don’t need Adrenals going into an anxiety fit this early in the day. You know what happened last time.

Kidneys
Oh, wait—you mean “last time,” as in EVERY day? Are we pretending they haven’t established a concise pattern of overreaction the past 44 years?

Adrenal Glands
You know we’re right here. And we want it noted, for the record, that we’re offended by everyone blaming us when things go wrong around here. It isn’t ALL OUR FAULT when things crash. We’re one tiny part of a larger system, and EVERYONE contributes to the problems.

Kidneys
Do any of the rest of us have our fingers on the cortisol button? No, we do not.

Adrenal Glands
But…

Kidneys
Nope, case closed.

Brain
Guys, can we at least get out of bed while we continue this tired old argument?

Legs
Oh, shut up, Brain. We aren’t remotely interested in getting up yet. If you would remove us from this stupid Group Chat already, we wouldn’t even have to be involved in this insanity.

Arms
You’re wasting your breath. Brain disabled the Mute button. Apparently, “all of us need to participate for bodily harmony.”

Brain
I would appreciate it if everyone would respect the Code of Conduct I established for participating in this Group Chat.

Stomach
I would appreciate it if you didn’t insist on waking all of us up at the crack of dawn for no good reason.

Ears
That would sound better if you hadn’t spent the last two hours grumbling.

Stomach
Not my fault. Eyes decided we were capable of finishing that second bowl of soup at dinner.

Eyes
It was SOUP! What organ is incapable of processing SOUP? It’s—what? Water? A few vegetables? Maybe a cube of fake meat flavoring and an occasional spice? I don’t see the problem.

Pancreas
Like you know what it takes to digest some of those “occasional spices.”

Eyes
And here we go again. Everyone settle in for another lecture on how Pancreas is essential for the function of our existence.

Pancreas
Are you vital? No, you’re not. You can both go with NO loss in productivity!

Eyes
That’s debatable. Brain can’t even function in the morning without input from us. And would you like us to remind everyone of that little incident with the bathroom wall in the middle of the night?

Ribs
I don’t want to get involved with this argument, but we ARE still bruised from that collision.

Right Pinky Toe
Oh, wah! Let’s rehash your near-collision as a lasting trauma. Meanwhile, I suffer constant abuse, and all I hear from the rest of you is, “Walk it off!”

Brain
You are a bit of a drama queen. I’m beginning to think you and Adrenals are working on the side to get the rest of the group riled up.

Right Pinky Toe
I don’t see you interfering with damage control!

Brain
Technically, Ears are responsible for coordination…

Ears
You did NOT just shift the blame to us!

Bladder
Um, guys…

Legs
Oh, come on! I do NOT want to get involved with the day yet! Can’t you go back to sleep or hibernate or whatever you do all night, Bladder?

Bladder
It’s not my fault! I’m the last one in the chain. You know that.

Stomach
Well, well, well. Look who we go back to. Everything starts with you, Eyes. We wouldn’t have a digestive process without you, you know.

Eyes
The fuck?! We aren’t even part of the digestive system!

Stomach
I feel nothing without your input. Ergo, your fault.

Brain
This is the most bizarre train of logic you guys have proposed yet.

Heart
You’re the one in charge of logic, so, really, this devolves back to you.

Brain
Literally no one asked you to get involved in this conversation.

Bladder
Getting serious, everyone. I estimate we have about five more minutes before the situation turns critical.

Legs
So we ARE getting up then?

Brain
Don’t get snippy with me. I’ve been trying to get everyone moving for twenty minutes now. You’re the ones who decided to slow things down by fussing and arguing.

Legs
You know what, Brain? Fuck you.

Arms
Oh, snap! You pissed off Legs!

Brain
Not this again…

Kidneys
Argh. Why are all of you so immature? You realize Bladder pushes and shoves me when they get uncomfortable, right? And all that will do is give Adrenals an excuse to flip out.

Adrenal Glands
Getting squashed is a legitimate excuse to freak!

Brain
For the love of sanity…

Bladder
LEGS, GET THE FUCK OUT OF BED!

Legs
…fine. But I’m not doing this again tomorrow.

Brain
For the record, I hate all of you. I wish I worked with a better group.

Eyes
Huh, what do you know: It IS sunny out.