Song List for the Miserable Mind

(Don’t worry—I promise there are no affiliate links. I just firmly believe music needs to be heard to be appreciated)

1. Scared of the Dark

Lil Wayne & Ty Dolla $ign (feat. XXXTENTACION)
Spider-Man: Into the Spiderverse Soundtrack (2018)

“I’m not scared of the dark
I’m not running, running, running
No, I’m not afraid of the fall
I’m not scared, not at all”

The back corners of my mind—where all the shadows lurk and the Voice resides that makes my life a living hell—don’t frighten me. I can’t see into them; I gave up attempting to discern the shapes of the fears years ago. And I never know what twisted manipulation of my thoughts might emerge to plague me. An unanticipated jump scare to rival the worst big-screen horror movie.

But I’m not afraid.

I was when the first weight of depression settled on my shoulders. The uncharted reaches of misery held absolute terror. I never knew what thoughts might emerge when I was left alone to contemplate the words and actions around me. But, over time, the darkness lost its powers to startle and surprise.

“Deep sigh, a sayōnara, I ain’t afraid to die
It’s either goodbye or good mornin’, and the skies start to fallin’”

A person’s first confrontation with death will do that.

2. Head Above Water

Avril Lavigne
Head Above Water (2019)

“I gotta keep the calm before the storm
I don’t want less, I don’t want more
Must bar the windows and the doors
To keep me safe, to keep me warm”

There are never enough hours in the day. Numbered, organized, and blocked into precise brackets of apportioned minutes, they slip through my fingers like melting ice. Even when schedules promise minimum tasks, the hour and minute hand sweep around the dial faster and faster in a dead heat with my pulse.

While the hovering presence behind my shoulder shrieks the countdown.

A neverending checklist rolling over from one day to the next, carrying through an endless parade of weeks and months. One more way to condemn my inadequacy. No spare second to scream or draw a breath of relief. Nothing but the constant pressure to accede, achieve, and succeed.

“And I can’t see in the stormy weather
I can’t seem to keep it all together
And I, I can’t swim the ocean like this forever
And I can’t breathe”

I am nothing if I cannot mark through every chore on my list. A consummate failure. Quietly drowning in an ocean of tears of my own making.

3. Joke’s on You

Charlotte Lawrence
Birds of Prey: The Album (2020)

“And now I’m laughin’ through my tears
I’m cryin’ through my fear”

“Smile!” The persistent demand from the outside world to exhibit a positive outlook, regardless of the internal feeling. Outright strangers comfortable in approaching me to implore I hitch up the corners of my lips in a parody of good humor. As if the slant of my mouth somehow corrects the self-destruction taking place inside my brain.

Laugh, and the world blindly ignores your debilitating pain.

Watch me twist my expression into a sardonic impression of mirth for the sake of society’s well-being. That’s all that actually matters. Not the crushing state of my bleak mood.

“God knows I’ve tried to be kind
But I will just lay down and die
Wearin’ a fake smile
The joke’s on you”

Smile, and the world can blithely go back to ignoring you. Frown, and they’re forced to address your non-conformity.

4. Planet Zero

Shinedown
Planet Zero (2022)

“Out here on planet zero
We live like no tomorrow
I think we’ve reached the ceiling
They’re canceling your feelings”

There are strict limits on friendship. And nothing defines the boundaries better than depressive behavior. The eternal oppression of the morose and miserable drains the resources and tolerances of even best friends. No one can withstand the presence of a person who refuses to discuss the possibility of a brighter tomorrow. Despite every oath and protest to the contrary, they all lose patience and walk away.

The pit of despair has a maximum occupancy of one.

“All hail power to the people
Except you, you check the box we don’t
Like”

I watch the surge of goodwill and false promise follow every notorious suicide. The outpouring of toxic positivity. Abundant ignorance overflowing with reassurances to answer calls and messages at any hour for any reason. I see the unspoken caveat: Until I can’t stand to hear more.

Because there’s always a wall that cannot be breached.

One night too many of endless tears.

A final declaration of self-hatred.

That last refusal to hear a word of praise.

And then the shoulders drop, the head turns away, and the phone rings on and on, unanswered.

5. Johnny Can’t Decide

Andrew Garfield, Vanessa Hudgens, & Joshua Henry
tick, tick…BOOM! Soundtrack (2021)

“Compromise, or persevere
His mind is racing
Johnny has no guide
Johnny wants to hide”

I can believe in tomorrow and see yesterday’s defeat at the same time. It’s a balanced reflection in the same mirror. Composed of equal parts of the conversations in my brain. A desperate cry to embrace the fractured person I long to be and the stinging criticism of the Voice that always seems to know better. Neither is right. Both are wrong. But someone has to win the argument.

Actions require hours of agonizing and debate.

I spend weeks questioning myself afterward, knowing it’s impossible to take back the decision. Lying awake, envisioning thousands of alternate possibilities. A single dimension in which I triumph over my depression. Contrasted against a multiverse of failures.

“How can you soar
If you’re nailed to the floor?”

Notebooks contain hatch marks of achievements—silent documentation of the simplest actions. A desperate attempt to break free from the immobility of indecision. Surrounded by lengthy justifications and excuses for the lack of forward momentum.

Red pill or blue pill?

I would fret and debate until they dissolved to sticky residue in my hands.

6. Monster

Beth Crowley
What You Need (2017)

“I look the same but I’m not fine
The master of my own disguise
If you knew the truth, you’d probably hate me”

I am nothing more than a persona. A construct presented to satisfy the demands of the general public. Painted smiles and optimized tone of voice. The proper creation to interact with the world on a daily basis.

Is it any wonder I fail to recognize my reflection?

I bury the truth of my disease beneath the surface, safe from the scrutiny of the general populace. Nothing to discomfort those who see or speak with me. Every day, pasting on another layer to hide the crumbling foundation buried underneath. I’ve fooled myself into believing the lie.

Until the foundation cracks.

“My tongue is a weapon, and I’m locked and loaded
When you least expect it, you won’t know it’s coming
And I’ll strike’
Cause I am a monster”

Have I fooled anyone but myself?

7. I’m Still Here (Jim’s Theme)

John Rzeznik
Treasure Planet Soundtrack (2007)

“I won’t listen anyway, you don’t know me
And I’ll never be what you want me to be”

I make them uncomfortable. People squirming in their seats and casting their eyes around for an escape. The equivalent of a small child in a haunted maze. Too vocal. Unafraid to draw attention to the broken pieces of myself, left dangling and visible. Standing in the open and screaming, “I’m damaged.”

And refusing to quietly return to my corner.

Imperfect. Contrary. And horribly visible. A thorn in the sides of the refined establishment.

“And how can the world want me to change?
They’re the ones that stay the same
They don’t know me ’cause I’m not here”

I drag the shadow chains of my brain into the open for the world to see. Rebelling against the cries falling from my lips, I refuse to lower the volume. I’m a threat to the status quo.

Pushed aside and given over to the care of Professionals, I emerged over and over—unchanged. I am broken. I am incomplete.

But I am here.